Celebrating Scalia ... with Some Lawyer Jokes

In the wake of the unexpected death of Supreme Court Antonin Scalia, we honor his penchant for humor with some favorite jokes... about lawyers.

“A system of government that makes the people subordinate to a committee of nine unelected lawyers does not deserve to be called a democracy.”

—Justice Antonin Scalia

My physician-dad never much liked lawyers. “They’re trouble makers,” he frequently told me. But with the death of one famous lawyer this past weekend, US Supreme Court Associate Justice Antonin Scalia, I can think of one member of the legal profession he did like.

I know that my father admired Justice Scalia for his unmatched skill at understanding and applying our US Constitution—the signature American document. The one that binds everyone together. It belongs to all of us. As fate would have it I happened to have a talk with an old friend of the late Justice just 10 days ago. Scalia, who was born in my home state of New Jersey, went to high school with this person (Xavier High School in Manhattan).

He told that while the two communicated by phone every so often, the friends seldom discussed the law. “We talked old times in New York,” he explained. He did say that Scalia (his true friends called him “Nino”) held an unequaled intellect, treasured his family, had deep faith, and loved to laugh.

Therefore, in tribute to the good judge’s humor, I did some web-surfing and found several fairly tame but decent lawyer jokes (love to hear other good ones by comment below):

• What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

• What's wrong with lawyer jokes? Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

• The postal service just had to recall their latest new stamp issue. Lawyers were part of the design and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

• How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers? Because after they die, they lie still.

• What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's a slimy, cold-blooded scum-sucking bottom feeder. The other's a fish.

• Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100 bill. Who gets it? The old drunk—the other three are fantasy creatures.

• How many lawyer jokes are in existence? Only three. All the rest are true.

• Why does California have the most lawyers and New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey had first choice.

• What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation.

• A mother and son were walking through a cemetery, and passed by a headstone inscribed "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy read the headstone, looked up at his mother, and asked "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

• Why are lab scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments? Lawyers are more plentiful than rats, the lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers, and there are some things a rat just won't do.

• If you drop a snake and an attorney off the Empire State Building, which one hits first? Who cares?