PRN: Funny Money

In unpacking old files after my recentmove, I came across a cache of financialhumor that I had squirreled awayfor a rainy day. I've dusted them off andoffer them as a respite from this year'sApril 15 trauma, which bore theprospect of increasing inflation and theusual heavy tone of monetary matters.As in the past, a tip of the hat to HennyYoungman, Jay Leno, Jackie Mason,Milton Berle, Groucho Marx, and theprolific Mr. Anonymous.

Financial news flash:

• Three moremonths of a sluggish economy areexpected after Alan Greenspan saw hisshadow today.

• The IRS says that it can't give back$80 million in refunds because it doesn'thave the current addresses. Right,all of a sudden they can't find youwhen they owe you money!

• A retiree looking at their brokeragestatement says, "I have enough money tolast me the rest of my life, that is, unless Iactually want to buy something."

• An optimistic first-time real estateinvestor announces, "I got great newsfrom my broker: They found land onmy property."

• A cynical patient reviewing theirbill exclaims, "A hospital bed is like aparked taxi with the meter running."

• Why is the person who invests allof your money called a broker?

• A guru on a mountain top says, "Ican explain the meaning of life, but Idon't dare try to explain how Medicareworks."

• One CEO waving his cigar toanother CEO says, "It was a perfectlydelightful stockholder meeting untilthe stockholders showed up."

• One bum on a park bench says toanother, "I'd like to be an opportunist,but I never had the opportunity."

• An optimistic day trader says to afriend, "I hope I break even today. Ineed the money."

• A CEO pointing at a decliningprofit chart explains to the company'svice president, "What we need is along-term quick-fix."

• A smiling banker says to a customer,"I don't think ‘No Fixed Address'is a good idea on a loan application."

• A CEO explains away a disastrousdecline in sales to is shareholders, "Nowlet's look on the bright side. At least weall have our health."

• An irritated customer responds toa bill collector, "I'm sorry the bill wasoverlooked. It must have been a computererror. Do you have the accountnumber I assigned to you?"

• The phone rings at a church andthe caller says, "Hello, this is the IRS.Did a parishioner of yours named JimSmith donate $10,000 to you?" FatherJohn's reply: "He will."

Jeff Brown, MD, CPE, a practicingphysician who is a partner onthe Stanford University GraduateSchool of Business Alumni ConsultingTeam, teaches in the StanfordSchool of Medicine FamilyPractice Program. He welcomes questions orcomments at [email protected].